Know Your Joe: Barbecue And Blowtorch
by Red Witch
Summary: Co-Written with Coldfusion 180! Another fun segment of Know Your Joe goes up in smoke.


** The disclaimer telling all of you that I don't own anything has been burned up into ashes. Not even most of this plot is mine. A lot of this is Coldfusion 180's! So now some more madness with…**

**Know Your Joe: Barbecue and Blowtorch**

"I'm bored," Shipwreck grumbled as he lay on the couch in the recreation room. "Bored, bored, bored, bored, bored."

"No kidding," Low Light sighed as he sat nearby on another couch. Several other Joes were lounging around the room as well. "I'm more bored than a pine tree at a saw mill."

"I'm more bored than the Monopoly bored game," Lady Jaye quipped.

"I've been at cribbage tournaments that weren't this **bored**," Alpine added.

"The sum of all the contents in a school district can't equal how bored I am," Flint grumbled as he put a magazine down.

"I'm more bored than an abandoned basketball court," Lifeline added.

"Surfers touch less bored than us," Slipstream joined in the game.

"White picket fences aren't this bored," Dial Tone complained.

"People listening to congressional debates on wooden benches aren't this bored," Beach Head added.

"Ice in an ice fishing tournament doesn't get this bored," Bazooka spoke up.

"Tunnels get bored less than we do," Sci-Fi sighed.

"A prostitute in a lumber camp doesn't…" Shipwreck began.

"SHIPWRECK!" Lady Jaye snapped.

"What? He can do the tunnel remark but I can't do a prostitute one?" Shipwreck asked pointing to Sci-Fi.

"Tunnel remarks aren't always dirty," Sci-Fi said.

"Yes they can if you put your mind to it," Shipwreck sat up.

"Enough! We're all bored!" Flint put a stop to it.

"Man I haven't been this bored since Cobra went bankrupt that one time," Alpine commented. "Come to think of it, we haven't heard from them in a while."

"We just put out one of their messes over three weeks ago," Lifeline said. "What the erupting volcano wasn't exciting enough for you?"

"Didn't erupt that much," Alpine shrugged. "Only thing that got destroyed besides the Cobra base was an apartment complex that rented to criminals."

"I wonder where they are now?" Slipstream thought aloud.

"They're probably laying low until they come up with some new stupid plan to try and rule the world," Lady Jaye shrugged. "It's not like they're hiding underneath some cheap fast food restaurant because they ended up broke again."

"Or running around the country in an RV because they have nowhere else to go," Shipwreck thought aloud. "Or living in a boat. Knowing Cobra it would be a stolen boat."

"Yeah, like **that **could ever happen," Low Light rolled his eyes.

"Look there's nothing we can do but wait until Cobra shows their fangs again," Beach Head said. "Like last time."

"I wish they could have stayed in hiding longer," Flint grumbled. "Especially the Baroness."

"Or the Dreadnoks! They burned my car to the ground!" Beach Head snapped.

"At least we didn't have to get tetanus shots like Duke had to," Lady Jaye remarked. "By the way is he out of the hospital yet?"

"Oh yes," Lifeline nodded. "And his leg and arm are healing nicely. The casts should be off by next week."

"You know on the Internet was one rumor that Cobra caused a riot in Bangkok a few weeks ago but it was never really investigated," Dial Tone said.

"Those maniacs could be anywhere by now," Flint grumbled. "Typical Cobra. They lie low and send out a ton of false trails and then when they do show their scaly necks they cause nothing but trouble!"

"The latest gossip is that they were spotted in Australia stealing ball point pens," Dial Tone said. "But it turned out they were nothing more than a bunch of look alikes. The Australian authorities got two of them but the rest escaped."

"There are people copying Cobra and committing petty crimes?" Flint asked incredulous.

"That's just pathetic," Low Light grunted.

"I'll say. The blonde woman they caught doesn't even **look **like the Baroness," Dial Tone scoffed. "But apparently she does bite like her."

"I thought the latest gossip was that Cobra was spotted trick or treating in Beverly Hills?" Lifeline asked.

"Please. Even Cobra isn't that pathetic!" Low Light scoffed.

"Didn't some woman's house catch on fire or something over there?" Lifeline asked.

"There were a couple of houses that caught on fire and a few robberies but nothing major. Probably kids," Alpine waved.

"Or some burglars that got lucky," Low Light added.

"I wish we were lucky. I tell ya there's absolutely nothing to do!" Shipwreck went on. "We have no missions to prepare for. There's nothing worth watching on TV. We can't even go out with the other Joes and help with the clean up after Hurricane Sandy because it's our freaking turn to watch the base."

"You know those snakes would use the destruction as an opportunity to attack us," Flint said. "That's why Hawk left us here and took the rest of the Joes. Just in case."

"They've done it before," Beach Head admitted. "But not as often as they used to."

"Still they could have left us something productive to do!" Shipwreck grumbled. "Even the practice range is all out of targets!"

"Well maybe if **someone **hadn't blown up all the targets this morning we'd have something to shoot at!" Sci-Fi glared at Low Light.

"Hey I didn't blow up **all **the targets!" Low Light protested. "Wet Suit and Leatherneck destroyed most of them a few days ago when they were drag racing each other in tanks!"

"Oh yeah that was fun," Shipwreck snickered. "Then we got to shoot at them for a while until Hawk showed up. Then we got to shoot at Snow Job and Ace when Hawk found out it was their idea in the first place."

"By the way those two will be out of the hospital in about a week," Lifeline added. "There's a reason we don't mess with the general when he's in one of his moods!"

"Gotta admit, Hawk's a real good shot," Low Light agreed.

"Too bad it didn't last longer," Dial Tone sighed. "That was the best entertainment we've had around here in weeks."

"I dunno," Bazooka scratched his head. "I think Airtight's attempt at doing a musical version of Goldilocks was kind of good."

"Okay I admit the songs were catchy and Sgt. Slaughter was pretty good as Papa Bear," Beach Head spoke up. "But Airtight as Goldilocks and BA our insane chef as Baby Bear? Please!"

"I've seen better acting at a preschool play than Airtight's performance on that day," Roadblock agreed.

"That didn't bother me too much," Low Light said. "I'm getting used to seeing Airtight in a wig and dress. It's the nut job who hammed up the role of Mama Bear that really made me wish I brought my gun."

"First of all, those weapons were checked at the door for a **reason**," Shipwreck pointed out. "Airtight did not want a repeat of what happened last year at his one man interpretation of the musical Cats."

"Heh heh," Low Light laughed. "The best part was when both Junkyard and Mutt chased him around the stage for twenty minutes while dodging Snake Eye's shuriken!"

"And secondly….What do you mean by saying I hammed up the role of Mama Bear?" Shipwreck snapped.

"Exactly what I mean Miss Piggy," Low Light gave him a look.

"I think we're getting off track here," Alpine spoke up.

"I brought new life to an old classic!" Shipwreck said ignoring Alpine.

"And by 'new life' you mean stomped it into oblivion," Low Light said.

"It was not one of your better performances Shipwreck," Lifeline said tactfully.

"Oh what do you know about the theatrical arts?" Shipwreck snapped.

"A lot more than **you,"** Low Light said.

"Everybody's a critic!" Shipwreck sniffed.

"Seriously guys, we really should get back to the main topic…" Alpine began.

"And what was up with the dance number with the vacuum cleaner?" Low Light asked.

"It was a metaphor!" Shipwreck snapped.

"It was stupid!" Low Light shouted.

"It was a metaphor!" Shipwreck insisted.

"It was a stupid metaphor!" Low Light snapped.

"Okay, that's **it!**" Alpine declared. "I can't take any more of this boredom! Or this argument! Shipwreck, you stunk. You know it. I know it. Everybody knows it! Case closed! For the love of God let's move on! Doing something…doing **anything** is better than this!"

Just then the TV cracked to life. "Greetings fellow residents of the Pit!" Quick Kick called out. He and Short Fuse appeared on screen sitting behind a desk. "Welcome again to another grand edition of Know Your Joe!"

"I stand corrected," Alpine groaned. "You know we never really did delve into the symbolism the vacuum cleaner dance enough."

"Oh no! Not this garbage again!" Beach Head groaned. "This couldn't get any worse!"

"We have a special treat for all you viewers out there!" Quick Kick announced cheerfully. "Today we have not one, but **two **guests here to interview on our show!"

"Oh crud," Beach Head groaned sinking into his seat as the entire room glared at him. "When will I learn to keep my big mouth shut?"

"Didn't these morons learn their lesson from when Cobra Commander tried to make a TV show out of this?" Flint groaned.

"Now I know what you are thinking," Short Fuse spoke up. "Didn't we learn our lesson when Cobra Commander tried to rip off our show? Well they do say imitation is the sincerest form of flattery…"

"Except in their case," Sci-Fi spoke up. "I don't know what that was but it sure wasn't flattery."

"So we decided to keep the proud tradition of highlighting our lesser known Joes for all to see," Quick Kick grinned.

"Oh I know General Hawk is going to **love** seeing this when he gets back," Flint groaned.

"And now ladies and germs! Our double header!" Short Fuse grinned. "Presenting our favorite pair of fire affiliated friends: Barbecue and Blowtorch!"

"Hello everybody!" Barbecue waved happily on screen "Hey Blowtorch! Stop fiddling with the smoke detector and get over here!"

"Sorry," Blowtorch got down from the ceiling using a stepladder and took a seat. Unfortunately the seat was not next to Barbecue. It was right next to the door.

"Uh oh," Lifeline groaned. "I think I can guess where this is going."

"Say Blowtorch, can you move your chair to this side of the room?" Short Fuse asked. "It would be easier to get you on camera."

"No way," Blowtorch said. "The position this chair is in is just fine. It's closest to the exit."

"Smart man," Low Light nodded. "It makes it easier for him to make a break for it."

"I wonder why those two didn't go with Hawk and the others to clean up after the hurricane?" Dial Tone asked aloud.

"I am afraid you are going to see the answer to your question very soon Dial Tone," Flint sighed.

"Anyway Barbecue, let's start with you," Quick Kick said looking at his notes.

"Hey, you sounded like Roadblock just then!" Barbecue laughed.

"I did, didn't I?" Quick Kick chuckled. "Now back to you. "Your real name is Gabriel A Kelly and you're from Boston, Massachusetts. Correct?"

"You bet I am!" Barbecue made a thumb's up. "Go Red Sox!"

"And you hail from a long line of dedicated firefighters," Quick Kick prompted.

"That's right," Barbecue nodded. "In fact, if I hadn't joined the Joe team I would have been the seventh Kelly in my direct line in the Boston Fire department."

"Which begs the question what all his **indirect** relatives do," Shipwreck quipped.

"You really want to find out?" Alpine asked.

"Yep my family has been in the firefighting profession for generations," Barbecue said proudly. "Even in the old country! Before he emigrated from Ireland my great, great, great, great grandfather Shamus Kelly was known for his skill with a hose."

"Not **one word** Shipwreck," Lady Jaye glared at the sailor.

"Spoilsport," Shipwreck stuck out his tongue.

"He was known for putting out the fires at the local pub in his village," Barbecue said proudly.

"Didn't he **start** most of those fires according to your family history?" Blowtorch spoke up.

"That was never proven," Barbecue said. "There are no court records to prove there was any arson involved."

"Not anymore," Blowtorch grumbled. "Three guesses **why** your ancestor left Ireland!"

Barbecue ignored him and went on. "I started living in the firehouse when I was seven years old, zipping down fire poles and answering calls for help."

"Wow that's pretty impressive," Quick Kick blinked. "So you literally grew up in a fire station?"

"Sure did. Even got to take the fire engine out to take my first driving test and my first date," Barbecue grinned. "Man, having a thirty foot extendable ladder and a trampoline sure came in handy let me tell you!"

"Actually that **does **help on a date sometimes," Shipwreck spoke up. "Particularly…"

"Not now Shipwreck," Beach Head groaned. "We can only listen to one idiot ramble on at a time. And it's not your turn."

"O-Kay…" Short Fuse blinked. "Where there any other kid firefighters besides you?"

"Surprisingly no. Oh I had tons of friends and we'd often hang around at the firehouse, but none of them ever wanted to be a firefighter," Barbecue shrugged. "I can't imagine why."

"Probably because most kids have an aversion to running into burning buildings and have a decent amount of common sense," Flint groaned.

"Still I had my family and my fellow firefighters to hang out with," Barbecue went on. "Not to mention Wilhelmina."

"Who was Wilhelmina? Was she your girlfriend or something?" Quick Kick asked.

"On no," Barbecue shook his head. "She was our mascot."

"Oh so she was a Dalmatian," Short Fuse concluded.

"Of course not," Barbecue scoffed. "Wilhelmina was a Siberian Tiger."

"You're **joking?**" Short Fuse's jaw dropped.

"Wanna bet?" Blowtorch groaned. Obviously he had heard this story before.

"You kept a pet **tiger** in the fire station?" Quick Kick yelped.

"Wilhelmina was not a pet! She was a full-fledged member of the team!" Barbecue said proudly. "She'd jump through windows and help us rescue people out of high buildings. She was great at it! I once saw her leap twelve feet straight up into the air!"

"I'm sure when they saw her several people's hearts did the same thing!" Low Light quipped.

"Okay I'm going to ask this…" Short Fuse held up his hand. "How the hell did you guys get a tiger as part of a fire brigade?"

"My cousin Kelli Kelly married a circus performer who trained tigers," Barbecue explained. "When the circus burned to the ground he became a firefighter and brought Wilhelmina with him. She was just a cub then but boy did she grow!"

"**Kelli **Kelly?" Quick Kick blinked.

"Burned to the **ground?**" Short Fuse asked.

"Kelli with an I," Blowtorch groaned. "And you don't want to know how the circus burned to the ground."

"My cousin was just starting to learn how to juggle with fire!" Barbecue snapped. "Besides the judge clearly stated that the ringmaster should not have stored that much propane that close together near the popcorn making machine in the first place!"

"And another piece of the puzzle falls into place," Beach Head groaned.

"Wilhelmina was a great asset to the team. Though a lot of people didn't seem to appreciate having Wilhelmina rescue them," Barbecue went on. "They seemed really upset about having a three hundred pound tiger crash into a room, grab them by the necks and haul them out of a building!"

"Imagine that," Quick Kick said with a straight face.

"Some of them would even try and hurt Wilhelmina once they were safe! Talk about ingratitude!" Barbecue scoffed.

"And how many lawsuits did Wilhelmina cause your department?" Short Fuse asked.

"Not as many as you would think," Barbecue shrugged. "Fortunately my cousin Kel Kelly was a judge so…"

"Oh boy…" Short Fuse groaned. "Did Wilhelmina ever hurt anybody or maul them by accident?"

"Well not on call," Barbecue said. "There were these crooks who tried to rob the station one night. Never stole again I'll tell you that much."

"Uh huh," Quick Kick blinked. "That's one way to keep crime down in a neighborhood."

"But those guys don't really count," Barbecue said. "Again that was when Wilhelmina was in watchdog mode. Well watch tiger mode. During a rescue was a different story. Besides we always kept a case of hamburgers in the truck so she wouldn't get hungry. And if the blaze wasn't too big we'd keep some of it going and have a cookout afterwards to celebrate a job well done!"

"That explains the infamous Marshmallow Roast of 2009 when the PT course caught on fire," Beach Head groaned.

"Was that the first time or second time?" Lady Jaye asked.

"Third time," Beach Head said. "The other two times the fire wasn't that big and there were no marshmallows."

"That was fun," Bazooka grinned. "Everybody likes marshmallows."

"So what did happen to Wilhelmina?" Quick Kick asked.

"Shortly after the crooks tried to rob the station we had a little incident with the Animal Control Department," Barbecue said. "I can't tell you all the details because those files are sealed per ordnance with a court order. But the gist of it we had to find Wilhelmina a new home."

"Where is she now?" Short Fuse asked.

"Oh she's in a lovely animal sanctuary down in Florida," Barbecue nodded. "I visit her at least once a year. And send her lots of letters!"

"And that explains why we always get all those Save the Tigers pamphlets in the mail," Flint groaned.

"Let's go back to your life story Barbecue before we get hit with a lawsuit," Quick Kick sighed.

"I tell ya it takes a certain incentive to wade into an inferno of flames and toxic fumes in order to save others," Barbecue continued. "That's why I became a firefighter."

"Because you had a deep sense of family loyalty and general sense of duty?" Quick Kick asked.

"Nope. I just liked riding on the back of the fire engine with the wind in my face, the sirens wailing, lights flashing and bells clanging!" Barbecue grinned. "Come to think of it I usually hear bells clanging even when I'm not near a fire engine!"

"That isn't hard considering bells are the only things left in his otherwise empty head," Low Light groaned.

"That and bits of marshmallow," Bazooka corrected. "Remember the explosion at the marshmallow roast?"

"Oh right," Low Light nodded. "I stand corrected."

"I tell ya being a firefighter is the best job in the world!" Barbecue smiled. "It comes with all kinds of perks!"

"There are perks?" Quick Kick asked.

"Hey, where else are you allowed to knock down doors and smash windows with an axe and get paid to do it?" Barbecue asked.

"Man has a point," Beach Head grudgingly admitted.

"That is pretty sweet," Bazooka nodded.

"Plus firefighters throw parties better than any college campus!" Barbecue grinned wildly. "We have access to stuff people only dream of! Nomex suits, fire hoses, road flares…"

"That does explain where he got that water cannon last New Year's Eve," Shipwreck spoke up.

Barbecue went on. "We'd party until the cops showed up and then party with the cops! Except when they'd get Wilhelmina drunk. Then we'd beat the stuffing out of them and set off firecrackers in their cars! Nobody parties like firefighters can!"

"And yet we still willingly trust you to save our lives," Low Light moaned.

"A decision I am currently rethinking may not be such a good idea," Flint agreed.

"Now I don't want to brag, but I happen to be your basic party animal!" Barbecue boasted modestly.

"Basic party animal?" Quick Kick asked.

"Well even I'm nowhere near Shipwreck's league!" Barbecue admitted. "But I've learned a few tricks. As a firefighter I've learned to how to open bottles with my teeth, pick up quarters with my ears and unbutton a mini skirt with my nose!"

"Remind me to never shake Barbecue's hand again," Lady Jaye groaned. "I don't even want to **think** about what he learned to do with them!"

"I can even warp my lips completely around the bottom of a quart soft drink bottle," Barbecue bragged.

"What? No way!" Quick Kick scoffed.

"Way!" Barbecue insisted.

"Oh yeah?" Short Fuse challenged. "Ten bucks says you can't!"

"You're on!" Barbecue grinned. "Let's go find a soft drink bottle!"

"How about this room's fire extinguisher?" Short Fuse suggested as he picked it up. "It's probably about the same size."

"Good idea!" Barbecue grabbed the extinguisher. "Now watch carefully…"

Shipwreck looked ahead. "Kids for the love of God please don't copy this stunt. There are things so stupid even I wouldn't do them! And **this** is one of them!"

"Who is he talking to?" Lifeline whispered.

"Must be on the sauce again," Low Light shrugged.

"He does have this little habit of thinking he's the star of his own TV show when he gets loaded enough," Sci Fi agreed.

"I don't know why we're complaining about that," Low Light said. "Shipwreck's show has got to be more entertaining than this!"

"Okay while Barbecue works on that, let's move on to our other fire familiarized guest, Blowtorch!" Quick Kick announced as the camera view shifted.

"On second thought, maybe being bored wasn't such a bad thing after all?" Low Light groaned.

Quick Kick went on with the interview. "So your real name is Timothy P. Hanrahan and you're from Tampa, Florida right?"

"Aye that's me," Blowtorch confirmed. "And if Clutch or Shipwreck are watching this, yes I'm Irish and no I am **not **after their lucky charms! So stop saying that!"

"Geeze, guy can't take a joke," Shipwreck shrugged.

"In case you didn't know, a joke isn't very funny after you say it **ten thousand** times!" Lady Jaye glared at him.

"And you are thoroughly familiar with all types of military incendiary devices and flame projection equipment," Quick Kick went on. "Such as the M-7 flamethrower, napalm, flare guns, flaming arrows…"

"Well not that **last **one," Blowtorch corrected. "But the use of fire in combat predates the bow and arrow."

"Too bad we didn't use some to stop this stupid show when we had the chance," Low Light grumbled.

"You also have some pretty weird habits," Quick Kick mentioned. "Like not sleeping unless near a smoke detector and refusing to live anywhere you can't safely jump out of windows."

"They are not weird habits!" Blowtorch protested. "They're perfectly justified! Fire is very dangerous! Just one stray spark can cause a blazing inferno! And don't get me **started** on cigarette smoke! That stuff is just plain evil!"

"O-kay," Quick Kick blinked. "I take it you weren't a real pyro or firebug kind of kid."

"Heck no!" Blowtorch shouted. "I **never** set a fire unless it was absolutely necessary! And even then only when I knew it could be controlled! Unfortunately some of our neighbors weren't so careful. You wouldn't think twenty acres of Florida swamp could burn so fast but I have the scars and burn marks to prove it!"

"I see," Quick Kick nodded. "So you were really into fire safety?"

"You bet. In high school I was part of a volunteer group that helped run fire drills in the local community," Blowtorch said. "Though one time we held a fire drill at a bank and the police showed up thinking we were trying to rob it. So we ended up spending the night in what remained of the jail."

"**Remained** of the jail?" Quick Kick repeated.

"Aye. There was a wee little accident once they hauled us down to the station," Blowtorch coughed. "The confidentiality agreement prevents me from explaining further. Let's just say fire foam and pepper spray don't mix."

"Can't be any worse than some of the times I've spent in Amsterdam," Shipwreck shrugged.

"Not hard considering you've been kicked out of there four times this past year," Flint snapped.

"Only **twice** this year was I kicked out!" Shipwreck snapped. "The other two times I left of my own volition! Before the cops could catch me."

"That is a low number for him," Lifeline admitted.

"So you had a bit of a rap sheet as a kid?" Quick Kick grinned.

"Just that one time," Blowtorch blushed. "And it was only a week."

"A week? You said you only spent the night?" Quick Kick was confused.

"Yeah well, there was this **other** incident while I was there," Blowtorch coughed. "Some of the inmates were allowed to smoke cigarettes and I kind of lost it. But they didn't end up spending too long in the hospital and the cops wanted an excuse to get new cell bars anyway."

"Note to self, never get Blowtorch mad," Alpine gulped.

"Better yet, never smoke around Blowtorch," Shipwreck agreed. "I'm glad I don't smoke!"

"The one bad habit out of the **millions** you already have!" Beach Head groaned.

"You're telling me," Roadblock groaned. "He goes nuts from the kitchen smoke whenever he's assigned to KP."

"You would think with BA LaCarr cooking almost every night he'd be used to it by now," Dial Tone said.

"I don't **believe** it!" Short Fuse yelled off screen.

"HA DA!" The camera shifted back to reveal Barbecue with his lips wrapped completely around the bottom of a fire extinguisher. "Hay hup!"

"Aw nuts!" Short Fuse reluctantly handed over the money.

"Hi hold hoo hi hood hoo it," Barbecue somehow managed to grin.

"I gotta admit, that is impressive," Alpine blinked.

"Certainly could use that skill in Amsterdam," Shipwreck said.

"That's great man," Quick Kick waved. "But we were talking about how Blowtorch goes crazy around cigarette smoke."

"Really?" Short Fuse asked. "What about other kinds of smoke? Like the kind produced by one of these?" He reached into his pocket and pulled out a smoke grenade.

"Hey watch it!" Blowtorch shouted. "Put that thing down!"

"Are you crazy?" Quick Kick yelled at his co-anchor.

"Do you really have to ask?" Low Light quipped.

"Relax guys. I'll be careful. Ooops!" Short Fuse lost his grip on the grenade. He dropped it and accidentally ended up pulling the pin.

BOOOOOOOOOOM!

"AAAAHH!" The Joes yelled as the grenade shot up and shattered the room's smoke detector. It fell down and rapidly began to emit smoke.

"Yikes! My notes!" Quick Kick yelled as they caught on fire.

"AAAAHHH! PUT IT OUT! PUT IT OUT! PUT IT OUT!" Blowtorch ran over and yanked the fire extinguisher out of Barbecue's mouth.

"OW! Hey man that hurt!" Barbecue rubbed his mouth. He did a double take as Blowtorch took aim. "Wait! That extinguisher has the wrong rating for this kind of fire! If you shoot the fire with that…"

HISSSSSSSSSSS!

FA-WAAAAPPP!

FOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!

"It will feed the flames and only make them bigger," Barbecue finished.

"AAAH!" Short Fuse screamed as the fired extinguisher rapidly increased the blaze, though it did manage to clog up the smoke grenade and prevent it from spewing more smoke.

"Help! Somebody save me!" Quick Kick yelled as a chair caught on fire.

"Now didn't we all just know that something like **this** would happen?" Alpine sighed as the Joes in the Rec Room watched the inferno spread.

"I'll go prepare the burn unit," Lifeline sighed as he left the room.

"Looks like Duke, Ace and Snow Job are going to get some company in the hospital," Dial Tone said.

"SMOKE! FIRE! SMOKE! POISON CLOUDS OF DEATH! AAAAAHH!" Blowtorch screamed in terror. "I DON'T WANT TO DIE! I DON'T WANT TO DIE!"

"Something tells me that Blowtorch knows a lot more about fire **prevention** than fire **suppression**," Dial Tone groaned.

"And knowing is a good reason to have fire insurance," Shipwreck agreed.

"AAAAAAH!" Quick Kick screamed as he frantically ran around the burning studio. "BARBECUE DO SOMETHING!"

"All right! It's cookout time!" Barbecue whooped happily. "Let's break out the ribs!"

"NOT THAT!" Quick Kick yelled. "WHAT ARE YOU THROWING ON THE FIRE YOU MANIAC?"

"Just something to put a little flavor in the meat. Everybody like hickory smoke?" Barbecue asked as he threw something on the fire that made even more smoke.

"NO! NOT THE SMOKE! ANYTHING BUT THE SMOKE!" Blowtorch twitched and frantically grabbed Short Fuse. "DON'T JUST STAND THERE YOU IDIOT! DO SOMETHING TO PUT OUT THE FIRE!"

"ME? BUT…AAAAAHH!" Short Fuse yelled as Blowtorch began to throttle him.

"WHOO HOO! I LOVE THIS JOB!" Barbecue began to cackle maniacally.

"Okay **now** I get why Hawk left those two behind," Dial Tone said.

"Pretty obvious if you think about it," Sci-Fi agreed.

"Yeah the Jersey Shore has suffered enough," Beach Head nodded. "The last thing it needs is a disaster like those two!"

"LET GO OF ME! AAGGHH!" Short Fuse screamed as Blowtorch kept beating him up.

"PUT IT OUT! PUT IT OUT!" Blowtorch screamed hysterically.

"WHAAA HOOOO! BURN BABY BURN!" Barbecue laughed maniacally.

"Okay I forget," Bazooka blinked scratching his head. "Which one is the fire **fighter** and which one is the fire **shooter?**"

"It's certainly getting hard to tell them apart," Sci-Fi said.

"AAAAAAHHH!" Quick Kick screamed. "SOMEBODY HELP US BEFORE WE BECOME BARBECUED JOES! AAAHHH!"

"Shouldn't we go and help them put out the fire?" Alpine asked. "You know, before the whole **base **burns down?"

"In a minute," Low Light waved. "Just wait until the screen fades and the fire finished burning up their camera."

"So we'll know that they won't ever have the chance to put on another one of these idiotic shows with it?" Slipstream asked.

"AAAAAHH! HELP! SAVE ME! MOMMY! STOP STRANGLING ME!" The Joes onscreen yelled. "OW! OW! OW! HA HA HA! BURN BABY BURN!"

"Yeah that too," Low Light smirked.


End file.
